Self-Compassion vs. Self-Esteem: Understanding the Difference and Why It Matters
“The sense of common humanity central to self-compassion involves recognizing that all people fail, make mistakes, and feel inadequate in some way.” - Kristin D. Neff
Do you ever find yourself questioning your personal worth or value? Do you beat yourself up when you feel like you aren’t meeting expectations? In the United States of America, capitalism is widespread, often leading to the belief that our self-worth is tied to our level of productivity. We are taught from an early age that we must become “productive members of society” striving for impeccable work ethic. Remember when you were a kid and adults consistently asked you “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. Even adults struggle to figure out what we want to do with our lives so it’s pretty wild to expect a child who has only been on Earth for less than a decade to have their career figured out. Our education system also contributes to this narrative by prescribing a one-size-fits-all measurement of worth, using metrics like tests and grades to determine how smart and successful you are or will become. If you haven’t heard this already, let me be the first to tell you…Your worth is not dependent on how productive you are. We are conditioned to believe this and sometimes it can have a negative affect on our self-esteem.
What do we do when we find ourselves in a situation where the totality of societal expectations handed to us from childhood is the very thing that is keeping us from loving ourselves and living fully? In a recent episode of Esther Perel’s podcast, she posed this question to a couple working to reimagine something they had been conditioned to believe about marriage and divorce but I think it can apply here as well: “Can I mount an insurrection against my own brainwashing?” While “mounting an insurrection” may feel like a tall task, there are actually simple anecdotes that can help us dismantle and heal from the lies that keep us bound to low self-esteem. One of those anecdotes is developing self-compassion. Let’s explore the difference between the two to better understand how cultivating self-compassion can be more beneficial to our relationship to ourselves and others.
What is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is the overall sense of your personal worth or value. It encompasses your feeling of confidence, security, identity, sense of belonging, self-acceptance, and beliefs about yourself. People with low self-esteem tend to be self-critical and dwell on negative aspects of themselves. They rely on external validation, compare themselves to others, and are in constant pursuit of approval. Ask yourself, “How do I feel about myself?”. Evaluating these aspects of yourself will help you understand your own self-esteem. It’s not a bad thing to strive for a high self-esteem as long as the measurement isn’t contingent on certain outcomes. In that way it is still tied to factors outside of yourself and can cause higher levels of anxiety, depression, negative self-talk, and self-doubt.
What is Self-Compassion?
Compassion is an emotional response that arises when you encounter another person’s suffering. Compassion drives us to alleviate that suffering by offering support, providing comfort, and desiring to ease that person’s pain. Self-compassion is when you turn that same feeling inward and extend relief to yourself. It is a non-judgemental, empathetic, curious, and kind way to care for yourself as you would care for a friend. Self-compassion isn’t a judgment or evaluation of ourselves. It recognizes our humanity and helps create a sense of safety and security. Developing self-compassion generates a supportive inner world full of emotional resilience and well-being. Self-compassion is an understanding and acceptance of all of who we are.
Benefits of Cultivating Self-Compassion
Self-compassion provides a stable sense of self and can lead to more sustainable emotional resilience, personal growth, and overall well-being. Research has shown that “higher levels of self-compassion have been associated with greater life satisfaction, emotional intelligence, social connectedness, learning goals, wisdom, personal initiative, curiosity, happiness, optimism, and positive affect, as well as less self-criticism, depression, anxiety, fear of failure, thought suppression, perfectionism, performance goals, and disordered eating behaviors” (Neff, 2009). Developing self-compassion can nurture our connection to ourselves. The more compassion we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for others.
Understanding the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion can help us discern where we are receiving our self-worth from. While self-esteem is often dependent on external factors of achievements and comparison, self-compassion offers us an internal source that cultivates a gentle softening toward ourselves. When we are able to recognize our shared humanity, accept ourselves fully, and treat ourselves with the same kindness we extend to others, we can improve our mental health, silence our inner critic, and compassionately relate to ourselves and others. In a world that creates these narratives tying our worth to our productivity, self-compassion offers us something different. Self-compassion offers us a world that says you are enough. Your existence is enough. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone and no external source will ever have agency over your worth.
If you’re interested in learning how to cultivate self-compassion, reach out to Katie Huber-Rhoades to set up a free 15 minute phone consultation.
References:
Neff, K. D., & Vonk, R. (2009). Self-compassion versus global self-esteem: Two different ways of relating to oneself. Journal of Personality, 77, 23–50.
